Sunday, 13 December 2015

Iain - 19 bisexual polyamorous transman with mental health issues

(trigger warning: sexual violence)

I've experienced a lot of sexual assault in my life. From twelve to thirteen, I was regularly raped by an older friend. When I was fourteen, a guy I was dating forced me to give him a blow job. I came out as a lesbian a few months after that, telling myself that I didn't like masculine people at all and feminine people were the only ones for me.

When I left school at seventeen, I came out as a straight male, hoping I'd finally start feeling comfortable. I didn't. I kept having attraction to masculine people, which I felt disgusted with myself for. I had so many openly and happily non-monosexual friends around me, but when it was me I just felt ashamed of myself.

I pretended I didn't know what made masculine people attractive, I distracted myself with feminine people, sometimes allowing myself to like non-binary people. There was a whole side of me I was denying, and I was destroying my mental health and education opportunities in the process.

Last year I started dating a cisman for the first time in years, saying it was a one off and he'd be the only man ever. I thought I'd be OK, but then comes more emotional abuse, unpleasant sex and a horrific miscarriage I'm not sure I'll ever be over. I left him early this year, broken and suicidal.

Then I met another guy. The first one to start off by asking what I was comfortable with, the first to actually try and look after me. Honestly I didn't know what to do or how to feel safe again, I just wanted to look after him in the same way. It meant I finally had the space to relax on my internalised biphobia and actually come out to myself. It felt so good, like a huge knot inside me was gone. We never ended up going out, but he was the first person not to hurt me so will always have a special place in my heart.

I'm still not ready to come out to anyone outside the queer community, the idea of wearing a t-shirt or even having it in my wardrobe terrifies me, but at least now I can have partners of all genders when I like them. At least I can now recognise what abuse is and avoid it (mostly). I'm hoping the more other people are out in society the easier it'll be for me to come out fully. I need to see other people being safe before I go somewhere dangerous again, until then my friends and partners will be here to look after me and me them.